Pain, Panic and PTSD

It’s been almost two years since my phone buzzed in the middle of the night and changed my life forever. It was Matt calling from his college dorm, writhing in pain. What seemed like a simple backache was now paralyzing.

I will never forget the fear and pain in his voice.

Eventually this pain would spread across his shoulders, down his arms and even into his jaw. See that’s what blood cancer does, it attacks the bone marrow - and it does it quickly. Left undiagnosed and untreated, Matt would have been dead in a matter of weeks.

Two years. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday, but on most days, it feels distant. In fact, there are hours that go by without me even thinking about Matt’s cancer. And if you ask me how I’m recovering from the experience, most days I would say that I am doing well.

But a few days ago, I realized just how quickly I can be taken back to those darkest and scariest of places. This time it was a call from Madison at her home in a Kansas City suburb. “Mom I have this terrible pain in my back across my shoulders,” she told me innocently. I asked her some questions about the pain and its onset and hung up to collect my thoughts.

My breathing quickly became shallow and my heart was racing. I tried to call Tom but he didn’t answer. I went into the laundry room and shut the door. I wanted to protect Matt from watching me unravel. As I closed the door, my knees buckled and the tears began flowing uncontrollably as I dropped to the floor. “This cannot be happening again, God!” And just like that, all of the panic that I thought I had “recovered” from, was right back and as intense as ever.

I used to think PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) was only something that plagued soldiers. And honestly, when it began being used in a more broad sense, I found it to be a little dramatic. After all, could events in our lives be so terrifying that they could trigger flashbacks and panic attacks?

Yes. It turns out that there are events in our lives that prompt intense, disturbing thoughts and feelings that endure long past the end of the event. The American Psychiatry Association estimates that one in 11 people will be diagnosed with PTSD in their lifetime and women are twice as likely as men to have it.

Madison was sick. But it wasn’t cancer. She had pleurisy - inflammation of the bronchioles, which can cause extreme back pain across the shoulders. She’s recovering. And it turns out so am I. My “recovery” may take me a lifetime, which would be incredibly discouraging if it weren’t for one thing. It keeps me humble. It keeps me empathetic to the fears that paralyze people around me. It keeps me in constant need because it reminds me I am not in control. And it makes me look up and stop focusing on the what if of my life to see the who is of my life.

Just as the Lord said to Paul, he says to us, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Trusting this promise, is there an area of your life where you can embrace your brokenness?