My Mom’s Musical Tears

I vividly remember being a teenager sitting beside my mother in our little country church. It was a small, white, rectangular-shaped building with a moderate steeple and a beautiful bell that delighted the child who got to ring it when Sunday service was over. For the most part, I have fond memories of those days. Even though the piano might have been a little out of tune and the sermon could have been seasoned with more grace for my taste, the church was a safe haven for my volatile life.

I found comfort with my mother’s hand on one side of the hymnal and mine on the other. My mother had quietly instilled a love for music in me, partly because I couldn’t help but visually see how it connected to her heart. We weren’t a congregation that made room for emotion in worship. There was no hand raising, no clapping; just the occasional affirming Amen spoke by one of the deacons in the congregation after someone sang “special music.”

Even so, often my mom would tap her toe or pat her leg to the music. She wore her emotions on her sleeve, which often meant that a song would prompt tears to swell up in her eyes and eventually drop down her cheeks. I have to admit, I hated this! At this point in my life, she was newly divorced from my step-father, and rumors of explanation swirled around our town of 172 people - and our church. I thought it was already obvious that we stuck out at church (or anywhere we went) and I didn’t appreciate Mom’s emotions bringing even more attention to us.

I wanted everyone to think we were fine. I didn’t want people to see our pain. I was uncomfortable with my mother’s sadness and my own insecurities about the future and I wasn’t equipped to deal with them. So, I did what I think most of us do, I stuffed them and tried desperately to outgrow them.

As I grew into adulthood and became a wife and mother, it became abundantly clear that all this stuffing of my emotions had left me fractured and bruised. It turns out I hadn’t outgrown my emotions; we either deal with them or they deal with us. Ironically, one way that I’ve learned to process my emotions is through music - much like my mother was doing so many years ago.

Nothing touches my soul like a song that puts words and a melody to my suppressed emotions. Music helps me make sense of the world, helps make Biblical truths come to life and helps me replace old lies with truth. Music, as the Bible proclaims, is certainly a gift from God. It’s why David wrote song after song, why scripture tells us repeatedly to sing and make music and why God’s people have been singing ever since they left the slavery of Egypt and will continue to do so in Heaven.

Now, as I sit with my family in church, there is no holding of hymnals and no holding in my own tears. I, like my mother, am frequently moved to tears as I worship. Sometimes it’s because I hear her voice in the song we are singing, other times because the song takes me to certain time and place, but more often because the music reminds me of all that God has done for me and I am overwhelmed gratitude.

Psalm 98:1 says, “Sing to the LORD a new song; for he has done marvelous things.” I would love to know what songs move your heart and draw you to God. Let’s start our own playlist!