Is This my Happily-Ever After?
Several years ago, one of my cousins sent me a message commenting on how beautiful and happy my family looks on Facebook. “You know that’s not real, don’t you?” I quickly replied. “We have more than our share of ugly, unhappy moments - I’m just not sharing them.”
I was reminded of this story just last week as we recorded this week’s episode of our podcast, The Problem with Perfect. In it, my co-host Rachel and I were talking with Kelly Klein Wright about how we develop unrealistic expectations for our relationships based on what we see from others (like my Facebook highlight reel) and the culture around us.
Kelly has been counseling with couples and individuals for more than 20 years - both as a licensed professional counselor and most recently in a pastoral role. Her insights into the problems with relationships were fascinating. But one piece of her wisdom has really stuck out to me: we all have a desire to be fully known, unconditionally loved and completely accepted.
Something about this reality struck deep inside me and went right to a sad place. See, it’s pretty easy for me to admit I want to be loved unconditionally and completely accepted, but to say I want to be fully known is frightening. Truth be told, I often tell myself that if people fully know me, then they won’t love and accept me.
It’s why it’s easier to focus on other people’s emotions than my own. It’s probably why I am more comfortable discussing other people’s dysfunction than my own and probably why I have to write to stay sane. And it’s for sure why I have been guilty of creating a facade on my personal social media pages.
To help overcome this, Kelly suggests recognizing destructive patterns of thinking and replace them with healthier, more constructive thoughts. This challenge has landed me back to some of my favorite scriptures, including Phillipians 4:8: Finally, brothers and sisters consider whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
This has led me to think about God’s plan for marriage and be thankful for it. It’s caused me to reflect on how lucky I am to be Tom May’s wife and how well he loves me. It’s caused me to remember where we’ve come from and God’s faithfulness to hold our lives together when the turmoil of the world threatens to tear us apart. Most importantly, it’s pointed me back to my relationship with Jesus- where these deepest needs of being known, loved and accepted will always be more than met.