Running the Race

I struggle to give myself grace. Case in point: I am supposed to be running a half marathon tomorrow, but I’m not. Instead, my husband will get up at 4:30 am and drive two hours to run 13.1 miles in what feels like 10 degrees - by himself.

It sounded like a good idea back in December when we signed up to run it. I thought it would keep me motivated through the coldest, darkest mornings of the year. What I couldn’t have predicted was the snow and ice that have been a nearly permanent roadside fixture, making running outside treacherous.

Given my disgust for treadmill running, my mileage has been lower than normal and my long runs haven’t been as consistent as I would have liked. Consequently as March 2 has been approaching, so has my stress level about this race. So when I learned that it was going to be brutally cold and windy on Saturday, I bowed out - without hesitation.

But instead of my decision bringing relief, it has left me battling feelings of being a quitter. Like I’m not tough enough, not fast enough, not disciplined enough and not committed enough. I was honest with Madison about these feelings yesterday when she said something profound, “Mom, if it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it!”

Although her words sounded a little like Marie Kondo’s, they stopped me in my tracks. Yes, there are lots of things in life that we have to keep doing long past them giving us joy and there are seasons when we have to persevere with our spiritual disciplines even when we’d rather not - but there are things in life that we can set aside if they are not bringing us joy.

So tomorrow I’ll go for a run with my girlfriends and enjoy the good health to do so. I won’t beat myself up for not racing, acknowledging that I choose to do something that brought me more joy and less stress. I’ll also keep asking God to help me find my identity and value not in whether or not I race - but in Him. I’ll thank Him for this reminder that I remain completely dependant on Him to not allow good things to become ultimate things. I will meditate on the truth that his love is steadfast and it - not my accomplishments or lack of them - makes me whole.

How about you? Are there things that you need to let go of because they no longer are giving you joy?